Truth in drama...

Truth is fragmentary, at best: we love and betray each other not in quite the same breath but in two breaths that occur in fairly close sequence. But the fact that passion occurred in passing, that it then declined into a more familiar sense of indifference, should not be regarded as proof of its inconsequence. And this is the very truth that love wishes to bring us.

I am justifiably amazing.

Tonight especially, I wonder about that statement, ‘history often repeats itself.’ Perhaps it’s because Sundays are lazy and inevitably about allowing the mind to wander, which in my case is never positive. (I seem to be getting really good at wallowing these days.)

Perhaps it’s because I recently made out with someone who at the time, seemed very much into making out with me, but is now recently discovering his feelings for an ex. Hmmmm…does this sound familiar to anyone but me? I have the best ability to become attracted to unavailable men. I have men besides themselves on hands and bended knees wanting to obtain my affections. Yet, again, I ended up kissing the wrong person goodnight. Isn’t it true that forbidden fruit makes the best jam? The reality of the situation is this; I have chemistry with one, an undeniable force field of feel good happiness. But when that fades, what do I have? Someone who is barely allowing himself to be with me, someone who I can never tell is thinking of me, and only me. Someone who makes me question my existence and confidence and second guess all that the others are so certain of as my amazingness. I want and deserve someone who wants screamingly and desires strongly, all of me. It takes more than fucking to keep me warm.


Why can’t I just like the ones who put me above all else? Simone de Beauvoir said, “The knight departing for new adventures offends his lady, yet she has nothing but contempt for him if he remains at her feet.” Alas, I succumb to my dazzlingly intelligent French philosopher and equate my insatiable hunger for hurt as my simple and inescapable fate as a female.

Wash Clean

Is anybody out there just waiting to catch my gaze?

Imitating life as perfect-awaken me from my daze.

Give me the chance to breathe in deep again.

Unafraid to let out what's been so long behind my grin.

Even rope once held together begins to separate.

Each strand upon creation, inevitably will disintegrate.

I just want to be someone's morning reason to awake.

Don't I too deserve a chance to fix my own heartbreak?

Would you be happy to see my pain?

I'm not in a good place but how can I get out?

Without love all true purpose turns to doubt.

My passion is forthcoming, too bad it'll never be felt.

Is the fire in your eyes enough for ice to melt?

The distance from me to you cannot possibly be so far-

for it to take this long for me to know who you are.

When tears no longer cleanse, the salt stays within.

The bitter taste still shadows the corner of every grin.

I'm too tired and afraid to accept this is my lot in life.

I can't keep on waiting when every second fuels the strife.

Why do I feel stupid when you can't see the truth inside?

If no one wants to look, from what do I still hide?

Everyone keeps assuring, just for me- he does exist.

He better find me soon, before my heart is missed.

The Wedding Date

Hi you,

I am unable to send all of this in a text message, and I’m bored at work so I thought I’d put all these fragmented thoughts down into an email for you. Anyhow, how are you??

So I debated whether or not to write to you because I inevitably know this will be about, what else? Boys. I feel like sometimes I’m driving myself *boy* crazy and I don’t like the way I am, but also, I know you give really really really really good advice. So I decided against my probably better judgement and will spill the beans on the boy situation. Cuz really, what else is there to talk about? ; )

I took a pregnancy test on Tuesday. Yup, nice smooth transition, I know. Sorry about that. But I was very scared to not get my monthly bill. The last time I had it was before leaving for Jam Rock, and even then, it was at least a couple weeks prior to leaving (the 15th of the month). So even though I no longer carry my handy dandy pocket calendar and mark a nice little red “x” on the days it’s to occur, I knew my period was late. By at least two weeks. Now I know what you’re thinking, unless I’m the next mother of Christ, and I’ll admit, I have been called that before, penetration by a boy must occur for an egg to be fertilized. Right before Jamaica, came over. The same who I liked before, from afar, who works on computers in IT here and is a super self proclaimed DWEEB. But he’s also close to seven feet tall and lanky. ‘Nuff said. It was nice, not like romantic mushy nice, more like messy, sweaty, amazingly chemistry filled (and something else filled –wink wink) nice. Sarah the next morning texted me at my mediation class and I lauged out loud to her, “Who the FUCK was in your bed last night. I’m dying to know” text. But nothing happened since then. I think he realized he still likes his girlfriend. Not my issue, that’s his baggage to deal with. I’ve talked about it with others and I’m okay with us never dating. I know he could never give me what I need (and so hopefully deserve) in a relationship. So sex, no strings attached, doesn’t sting as much as I thought! The funny thing is, when I was in Jamaica, he posted a twitter comment that he had broken up with his girlfriend. No I’m not that lame as to be inside surfing the web when in a sunny tropical locale. my old coworker, whose yard you peed in, texted me that broke up with Sarah! I was surprised but whatever, didn’t really care. Then when I got back I found out he had done that as a joke. Like really? That’s funny to you to inform everyone you broke up with your girlfriend when you didn’t? Not sure how hilarious she found it. So we’re cool, but not like, “Hey you’d make a really great baby daddy” cool. Oh and I’m not preggers.

Meanwhile, I go to my coworker Mindi’s wedding, with Kevin. I’m not sure what all of this I’ve told you about, I don’t think we’ve talked in a long long long time. Turns out, he was a perfect gentleman! I was so proud of him, he not only didn’t get drunk, he was charming, polite, took care of my drunk a$$, and even encouraged me to go for this other single wedding date. My coworker Lindsey brought along her brother in place of her husband who was at a bachelorette party in Vegas, rough I know. But he is 27, well he will be 27 in May, a fellow Gemini, his birthday is six days behind me, not sure how compatible that makes us astrologically. He’s going to be a chiropractor, and he’s cute. Really really cute. Sorta a dork, like super intelligent, scientific stuff, but stil funny, and can talk to pretty much anyone. So I don’t remember much of the end of the night, apparently (Kevin had to fill me in on all of this-not a good idea to mix beer, wine, shots, then more beer-or to challenge the bride to a shoot the boot contest at the downtown Mankato bar) he was making some moves on me. I apparently allowed it though because we were walking really slow behind the rest of the group back to the car and holding hands! AHHHHHHHHH So dorky it’s cute right? Then I guess he came back to our room, well I do remember that part. But he stayed awhile, sat on my bed, we were still holding hands, (don’t know what my obsession with that is), but nothing happened of course because Kevin was there. I recall walking him out around 4 am and hoping (not sure if I put this hope into words, probably more or less said it with my betty davis eyes) he was going to kiss me then. But he didn’t. He said something about thinking Kevin probably wanted to kill him, then that’s it. He was off!

SO I awake still drunk the next morning, Kevin informed me it didn’t go as swimmingly as I thought. I was sassy Sue that Saturday night, as happens when I drink whiskey, and I apparently made several comments about he and Kevin’s homo erotic closeness. They were outside smoking together at several different points; they got along great, so I assumed they were man flirting. But I guess I called him gay, asked if he was sure he didn’t want to get into Kevin’s bed, and then said something about how he’s not a real doctor. YIKES! So I friend requested him on fb that Sunday, tried to do damage control by sending along an apologetic message, just simple like, “Hey- I hear I was a bit sassy last night, I hope you don’t take anything I said to heart, I had a really good time, I hope you did too.” Now a long time later, still no reply, so I assumed he just hated me! I was definitely let down too, especially after facebook stalking him and realizing I actually do like him! He’s smart, has a blog- beauuuuuutiful writer, funny, cute, sarcastic, and witty. Usually after fb stalking I find numerous reasons to avoid the guy, not crush harder! Anyhow, Wednesday night Kevin came over and we talked about him. Not sure how it got brought up but Kevin said he thought he liked me. They were outside smoking and he was asking Kevin if he and I were just friends. Kevin said yes, to which he replied, 'Laura seems like a pretty cool girl.' Kevin said, 'yes, of course, she’s awesome.' Then something was said along the lines of, “It’s funny how the most attractive girl at the wedding is single.” CUTE right?

Venus

"Just relax and let it go."

They don't speak from experience so how do they know?

There's only so much pain one person can take.

A heart already broken can't continually break.

The worst enemy to me is myself.

What happened to my qualities placed so high on the shelf?

Everywhere I look I'm reminded of my status.

When did love become such an impossible apparatus?

Going it alone...

This pretty much sums up my existence. Or at least my sentiments as of late. It’s so much easier to do things when you have a partner. Travel, cook, have an orgasm. Not that I’d ever consider myself alone. Surrounded by friends and family I can pretty much find something to do any night of the week. I’d like to have someone who comes home with me though, someone I can wake up next to, someone I can count on to love, support, and cherish the hell outta me. Just like I think (and am told so many times upon the realization of finding out I’m single) that I deserve.

Is there a point when you chalk up the lack of love in your life to yourself- as opposed to the ethereal world of fate and karma and meant to be’s? I realize I can attract men, but what is it about me that screams, “Please cling to me if you are unavailable?” Apparently mentally and emotionally devoid creatures score high with begora.

Till the end of the road...

8-19-2009
Not even a month ago I had the right idea. Why then did I go back on my desire and will to leave him? I don’t know maybe I’m just too afraid to be alone. I was never that girl, but when you purchase a home and a monthly mortgage payment looms near- that extra warm body becomes an extra wallet of cash. Is that all I need him for? Yes. He doesn’t give me anything else. Oh sure he gives me stuff; anxiety, frustration, anger, and bitterness. I hate the woman I’ve become because of him. My lack of trust overrides everything else. How can he do this to someone he supposedly loves? He borrows money from me, for what? To score the latest heroin, smack, drugs. He’s such a shitty boyfriend. He’s in love with heroin, not me. How could I have ever been so stupid? The first time it happened, shame on you Ryan. To do that to someone when we could have been so great? But the second time, for me to put myself out there again, after that vulnerability is so strong and you feel nothing, no remorse, just the need to fuel the fire and be with your sick perverted drug, well that is shame on me. I should have never taken him back. I should have never believed him that he would be completely open and honest with me, never again I swear Laura. I should have left him for the piece of white trash that he is and ran without looking back. He won’t answer my calls, my texts. Even after I tell him I’m done. I tell him it’s over. I get nothing, not even a “babe, please don’t.” He tells me all the time he’s sorry, but how many times can I hear that before I start to believe it? This time though at least facebook has my back. Maybe that will be the realization he needs to finally, once and for all, get over me. I hate him for doing this to me. I hate that I cannot talk to anyone about it. I hate that I am all of a sudden, completely alone. Begora, the woman with all the friends. The person who had several to call, and care, and listen. But now, I have no one. I had Ryan, but I didn’t even have him, he had heroin and I had an empty hollow shell of a man who loves drugs more than his own girlfriend. I can’t do it anymore. I thought I could, but it’s just too hard. I never know where he is, who he’s with, what he’s doing. Is a relationship really supposed to be like that? It’s supposed to be easy, free from stress. tHe place for solace, not the place to run from. I don’t know what to do, I’m so lost, and feel the feeling I had with Steven, god I haven’t felt this in so long. Is that because this is the first real emotion I’ve had with Ryan? The only time I truly let myself feel is when it’s time to let go. How ironic. Man he’s really messed up this time. All week has been hard, but this is ridiculous. I wonder what he’s doing. Should I even really care? I just want to see in person that he’s doing heroin than I can put all my doubts about taking him back to rest. I’ll just know once and for all that we are not meant to be. Meant to be is easier than this. Meant to be doesn’t leave you alone crying at night because you don’t know if your boyfriend is dead or alive. I just hope tomorrow finds me better than tonight. I don’t know what else to do but end it.