8-19-2009
Not even a month ago I had the right idea. Why then did I go back on my desire and will to leave him? I don’t know maybe I’m just too afraid to be alone. I was never that girl, but when you purchase a home and a monthly mortgage payment looms near- that extra warm body becomes an extra wallet of cash. Is that all I need him for? Yes. He doesn’t give me anything else. Oh sure he gives me stuff; anxiety, frustration, anger, and bitterness. I hate the woman I’ve become because of him. My lack of trust overrides everything else. How can he do this to someone he supposedly loves? He borrows money from me, for what? To score the latest heroin, smack, drugs. He’s such a shitty boyfriend. He’s in love with heroin, not me. How could I have ever been so stupid? The first time it happened, shame on you Ryan. To do that to someone when we could have been so great? But the second time, for me to put myself out there again, after that vulnerability is so strong and you feel nothing, no remorse, just the need to fuel the fire and be with your sick perverted drug, well that is shame on me. I should have never taken him back. I should have never believed him that he would be completely open and honest with me, never again I swear Laura. I should have left him for the piece of white trash that he is and ran without looking back. He won’t answer my calls, my texts. Even after I tell him I’m done. I tell him it’s over. I get nothing, not even a “babe, please don’t.” He tells me all the time he’s sorry, but how many times can I hear that before I start to believe it? This time though at least facebook has my back. Maybe that will be the realization he needs to finally, once and for all, get over me. I hate him for doing this to me. I hate that I cannot talk to anyone about it. I hate that I am all of a sudden, completely alone. Begora, the woman with all the friends. The person who had several to call, and care, and listen. But now, I have no one. I had Ryan, but I didn’t even have him, he had heroin and I had an empty hollow shell of a man who loves drugs more than his own girlfriend. I can’t do it anymore. I thought I could, but it’s just too hard. I never know where he is, who he’s with, what he’s doing. Is a relationship really supposed to be like that? It’s supposed to be easy, free from stress. tHe place for solace, not the place to run from. I don’t know what to do, I’m so lost, and feel the feeling I had with Steven, god I haven’t felt this in so long. Is that because this is the first real emotion I’ve had with Ryan? The only time I truly let myself feel is when it’s time to let go. How ironic. Man he’s really messed up this time. All week has been hard, but this is ridiculous. I wonder what he’s doing. Should I even really care? I just want to see in person that he’s doing heroin than I can put all my doubts about taking him back to rest. I’ll just know once and for all that we are not meant to be. Meant to be is easier than this. Meant to be doesn’t leave you alone crying at night because you don’t know if your boyfriend is dead or alive. I just hope tomorrow finds me better than tonight. I don’t know what else to do but end it.
Not even a month ago I had the right idea. Why then did I go back on my desire and will to leave him? I don’t know maybe I’m just too afraid to be alone. I was never that girl, but when you purchase a home and a monthly mortgage payment looms near- that extra warm body becomes an extra wallet of cash. Is that all I need him for? Yes. He doesn’t give me anything else. Oh sure he gives me stuff; anxiety, frustration, anger, and bitterness. I hate the woman I’ve become because of him. My lack of trust overrides everything else. How can he do this to someone he supposedly loves? He borrows money from me, for what? To score the latest heroin, smack, drugs. He’s such a shitty boyfriend. He’s in love with heroin, not me. How could I have ever been so stupid? The first time it happened, shame on you Ryan. To do that to someone when we could have been so great? But the second time, for me to put myself out there again, after that vulnerability is so strong and you feel nothing, no remorse, just the need to fuel the fire and be with your sick perverted drug, well that is shame on me. I should have never taken him back. I should have never believed him that he would be completely open and honest with me, never again I swear Laura. I should have left him for the piece of white trash that he is and ran without looking back. He won’t answer my calls, my texts. Even after I tell him I’m done. I tell him it’s over. I get nothing, not even a “babe, please don’t.” He tells me all the time he’s sorry, but how many times can I hear that before I start to believe it? This time though at least facebook has my back. Maybe that will be the realization he needs to finally, once and for all, get over me. I hate him for doing this to me. I hate that I cannot talk to anyone about it. I hate that I am all of a sudden, completely alone. Begora, the woman with all the friends. The person who had several to call, and care, and listen. But now, I have no one. I had Ryan, but I didn’t even have him, he had heroin and I had an empty hollow shell of a man who loves drugs more than his own girlfriend. I can’t do it anymore. I thought I could, but it’s just too hard. I never know where he is, who he’s with, what he’s doing. Is a relationship really supposed to be like that? It’s supposed to be easy, free from stress. tHe place for solace, not the place to run from. I don’t know what to do, I’m so lost, and feel the feeling I had with Steven, god I haven’t felt this in so long. Is that because this is the first real emotion I’ve had with Ryan? The only time I truly let myself feel is when it’s time to let go. How ironic. Man he’s really messed up this time. All week has been hard, but this is ridiculous. I wonder what he’s doing. Should I even really care? I just want to see in person that he’s doing heroin than I can put all my doubts about taking him back to rest. I’ll just know once and for all that we are not meant to be. Meant to be is easier than this. Meant to be doesn’t leave you alone crying at night because you don’t know if your boyfriend is dead or alive. I just hope tomorrow finds me better than tonight. I don’t know what else to do but end it.
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